The Ghosts I Wish to Exorcise

The way I felt when I was talking with you, when your name lit up my phone screen. The thoughts I had of you at night as I fell asleep. The restlessness that crept in when I waited (for days) for you to respond. My desire for your body, your touch, your lips brushing against my ear as you whisper sweet nothings. The ache I wanted you to ease. The way I fell for your attention when we first started talking. The yearning for the short term satisfaction as we decided what we would want for the long term. The hope that you would want something as much as I did. The giddiness I had when you said I was yours. Any feelings I may still have for you, because it’s clearly not worth waiting for you to decide what you want. The way your sweetness melted the ice that built up the first time you disappeared, and how I hold it close, hoping that you’ll come back with it. The need I have to obsessively check my phone to see if you’ve actually read my messages yet. The temptation of texting you to see if it will finally make you respond. Every thought I have of you, and the way they make me yearn for you, even though we haven’t talked for days. The pain and sadness and anger I now carry because it’s over between us. Because your non-answer is all the answer I needed from you. 

Anti-Dating Profile

I’ll sit back and enjoy your struggle. Laugh when you ask for help. I listen to too many true crime podcasts - my pod library is full of it. I am so broken that I don’t know what it’s like to be whole anymore. I’d listen to you, but honestly, I don’t care. I can read you like an open book, but there are a lot of aspects which I am closed off. I’ll get bored of you, and eventually, it’ll fizzle out. And I’ll probably ghost. I’m good at forgetting you exist, honestly. I don’t go out or socialize. Hell, you have to bribe me to come see you. Open a door to your soul, and I’ll tear it out of you. I’ll rip your heart out and eat it with a smile on my face. I’m cool and aloof, but also needy at the same time. I fall asleep to the stolen dreams of exes. Share with me your secrets, and I’ll show you every broken heart I’ve left behind. My trail of hearts. I write spells and poetry in pen; I write in the margins of books, but in pencil. But I’ll write on your skin with fiery hands and burning fingers, trace constellations on your skin that won’t go away, so others after me will see you were mine at one point. I’ll crawl into your skin and make my home within the cage of your ribs before randomly leaving, and leaving you empty. I’ll kiss you with my eyes open. I’ll spend time with you while planning all the ways I would leave you within the next few weeks. I’ll have you thinking about me all the time, can’t get me out of your head, my scent lingering on your skin for days, the smell of my shampoo on your pillows for weeks before fading away, lasting longer than you and I did. You’ll want me back, but I’ll be long gone, moved on by two people, before you realize I’m never coming back. Plus, I’m a strong, independent person. I don’t need people. I survive, live better on my own. I sneer at anyone who says they want to “get serious” with me. I’m not the serious type. Don’t try to change my mind. I’ll break your heart until there is nothing left to break. 

On Hallowed Ground at Night (WINTER)

The ground is cold, so hard, beneath snow and ice. Fog swirls around the headstones, the few bare trees lingering like sentinels along the grounds of the ever sleeping. It may be hallowed ground, but it is haunted by the memories of lives from over a century of those buried under the cold-packed earth. Sounds linger through the fog and over the snow - the hoot of an owl, tree branches snapping in the wind, a hushed and muffled whisper of movement from somewhere. The ghosts mourn here for eternity, huddled in the shifting shadows, seeking warmth from the memories of their previous lives. 

They used to burn witches, you know

Women who weren’t married. Who knew herbal remedies and minor medical knowledge. Who were outspoken and had opinions and stood their ground. Who may have been a bit different. Who chose to instead do something more than tend home and hearth. Who could read and write. 

They don’t do that now; it’s more insidious than that. It’s slowly taking away rights to reproductive health. It’s manipulation and gaslighting. It’s stalking, catcalling, getting aggressive when told, “No.” It’s getting assaulted, then not being believed, being blamed (what were YOU wearing? Why were YOU alone?), the assaulter getting a slap on the wrist. It’s the pay inequality. It’s being defined by getting married and having children, instead of being defined by your successes and who you are. It’s having to fight for rights that should be unalienable, the ones white men take for granted. It’s being questioned, having to prove yourself in the workplace. It’s being told it’s your weight, it's anxiety, it’s stress when you try to get a diagnosis, when you’re asking for the same care that men get without question.

It’s being a woman. Still being burned, but metaphorically.

I don't trust you

To understand how removing access to reproductive healthcare affects me. To make decisions about my reproductive health. With my nieces and their future. With my nephew and his immigrant parents. To know what is actually right. To listen to anyone - especially marginalized populations - about anything, unless it’s something you want to hear. Within 20 feet of any woman. To defuse any situation, especially with this potential World War III. To think logically - like, at all. When you say you want to protect women. When you say you’ll improve the economy. When you say that everything will “be peaceful.” Any further than I can throw you. With your “Make America Great Again” rhetoric, or any of your rhetoric at all - it all seems exactly like the rhetoric that got Hitler into power (and look at what happened then). 

I don’t trust you. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself the “leader” of a country with a microscopic population. 

Your Body, My Choice: A Benediction

No. We’ve served long enough. Enough in free labor, in the form of maid, laundry service, cook, caretaker. Broken down and beaten, ignored, suffered. No. The fire of rage has become wild, instead of contained. Silence no longer suits. Kneeling until our knees shattered and bled. Continuing to bleed and rage and scream, because we are still alive to fight. For a choice. For a life we won’t be forced to throw away. For safety and freedom and breaking the shackles forced upon us by the sick in the guise of the caring patriarchy. We aren’t property to be bought and sold at market. The cacophony of our voices won’t be silenced. Our sacrifice will one day save our daughters, sisters, wives. Our descendants will hear our rage and know the injustices we fought. 

After all, the memories are bone deep, caught in the collective of our souls, remembered and stoking the rage we fight with. We are too far to turn back.

Aulasy

From the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows:

Aulasy: n. The sadness that there’s no way to convey a powerful memory to people who weren’t there at the time - driving past your childhood home to show it to a friend, or pointing at a picture of a loved one you lost, only to realize that to them it’s just another house, just another face. 

There was an era of fenced-in yards and sandboxes and carefree summer days beneath the lemon drop sun. Of Halloween costumes lovingly made by my grandma - I remember a spider and a vampire. Of always being in the neighbor’s yard, yelling and playing make believe.

Another era of summers spent at the swim club, swim meets every week in June and July, skipping practice, sunbathing. Spending the month of August in the south of France, on the Mediterranean. Days with feet in the sand and swimming in the sea and evenings eating at that awesome restaurant, then ice cream at the shop next door. Mornings at the open air market. 

An era of meeting people who become friends who end up family. Spending time with them, having dinner, laughing over drinks or coffee. The chosen family, bound by trials or paved with shared experiences. 

The (few) eras of losing people you love, family bound by blood or otherwise. Having to say your final goodbye to someone who’s meant the world to you, and all you’re saying goodbye to is an empty vessel. The wounds left behind deep and may never heal, the pain only getting easier to bear, though never fading. 

The same era of saying goodbye to my older brother after losing a battle with his own mind. To my maternal grandparents (six years apart) who were like a second pair of parents. To my paternal grandfather, who had gone through a battle (or several) of the physical kind. To my cousin, not three years older than me, another lost too young. 

An era of before and after. A moment when everything changed, when I went from the person I was to the one I am. Reality shifted and everything is different. I’m slightly darker, emotionally and mentally, swimming in a haze, but different. And branded by death. 

The era of nights that seem to be endless until the sun rises in the morning. Sleepless darkness as I watch the minutes tick by, fading into the eternal void. Relentless exhaustion, and yet sleep still eludes me. Sometimes more fickle than a summer day in April. Restlessness is my bedfollow on nights such as this, and I’m loath to tell it to leave. Otherwise, restlessness becomes agitation. 

An era seemingly out of joint. Faded memories and half-forgotten stories fill the spaces, a memoir of moments, chaotic and wild and warm. Relying on the vague retellings to fill the gaps; the quiet whispers of an unreliable narrator sometimes filling the silence. 

The era with the sweetest pup, taking long walks on trails. Cuddling on the couch. Ear scratches and belly rubs as we watched TV. The pup who was always at the front door to welcome us home and greeted us with kisses and tip-tapping toes of joy. 

The lost eras. The ones when I’d forgotten who I was or didn’t recognize myself. The ones I don’t remember. Lost to the void, empty and black. Shadowed or broken, missing pieces, torn to shreds. The ones my brain buried, locked in a box, to protect itself, never to release them. 

The (almost) lifelong era of reading, devouring each book almost as soon as they’re in my hands. I’ve lived a thousand different lives in a thousand different places. Lost myself in the words and experienced different things, just by reading. 

The era of the poet, using my own written words to express what’s hard for me to say, or tell a story, or spell out my dreams, yearnings, memories, desires. A different way to feel or live a life I otherwise wouldn’t. A way I won’t ever lose myself or disappear.